Worthiness and Connection

I have been spending many months reflecting on self-sabotage, worthiness, and connection. After much decoding my own life - I feel that all sabotage (self or other) comes from unworthiness and lack of self(and God)connection. Coming from a mainly spiritual world background including a lot of spiritual bypassing in the past decade of my work and now enjoy coming from a grounded perspective where self-responsibility is the main orientation when it comes to healing and integrating ourselves into wholeness.

If sabotage and worthiness are somethings that you battle with - I hope these findings serve you in some way.

With Love.

How to become worthy? Remember and become who you are.

Who you are, from my perspective, is not something that is "all figured out". I believe the main level we are working on when decoding fear and insecurity based self-sabotage and unworthiness, is largly connection to a lack of connection to who we truly are. When I say who we "truly are" - I don't mean knowing all of us so well that we can articulate it. I mean we know that our sense of who we are is derived from true understanding that comes from self reflection and self connection.

I believe that we sabotage others and ourselves when disconnect is here and we don't believe we are worthy of reclaiming that connection and can start to be relieved with the acknowledgement of our uniqueness. Sometimes it can drop us down a few (thousand) notches if we are really in our ego BUT it feels much better to feel life with our feet on the ground and real with ourselves.

I want to share a personal story of my own to paint a picture for you.

I have a teacher that believes that we are not replaceable, though what we do can be replaced. Hearing this used to trigger me because I identified with what I did versus who I am. I believed my ultimate value was tied to my work and that if someone else was found to be better than me (more efficient or other) at the work I was doing that it meant something about "me". I would experience the same thing within relationships and friendships that would end - all of this plays out almost exactly the same when witnessing the patterns in my own life regardless of how this shows up physically. Replacement, rejection, and abandonment wounding for myself is closely connected to this... so when I would hear this quote, my personality would move into survival mode. As you can imagine or may have experienced.. the moment that we move into survival mode, our actions no longer have our highest future and potential in mind - the goal is to stay alive today only as there is no tomorrow, whether this is conscious or not this can lead to self-sabotage patterns that impact all dynamics in our life, our work, relationships, and most importantly taint our true connection to ourselves and cause us to only be able to relate from a vantage point of life that is not true to something outside of us that is not being seen clearly, either. So if this pattern resonates with you.. the way I see it is that when these untrue parts of ourselves are challenged, it triggers the false self now relating to false perception of people/places/thing that within in is a perceived "need". I now reduce everything now to connection or lack of connection to self (and God) and am enjoying unpacking time through that lens and have found a lot of value in this perspective.

The last few years I have been doing a lot of healing around this and believe that beginning to realize and actualize our ultimate worthiness means removing the need to be important to the world or a person, people, or causes - but becoming important within ourselves. It means being open and able to access deep vulnerability within ourselves so that we can truly discover and expand our connection with ourselves in a world that applauds disconnection. When we understand why this misunderstanding was the case in the first place - we begin to see the nuances and subtleties when these patterns start to arise within us, eventually even before action is taken. We start to notice when we are pulled or start to reach to the outside world instead of feeling called to connect a dot from within ourselves and ask why we are moving and what for.

When we are important within ourselves and begin to reclaim the need for anything outside of ourselves - we start to see that we can fulfil even the most seemingly complex of needs from within. When we are triggered to seek outside - not from play and curiosity but from need - chances are that our mind is at play and is sharing complexities and reasoning based on the past. We have an adult mind trying to articulate little kid wounds and this is why we get so confused in our healing journeys at times. This is our chance to come back into our bodies and connect with truth so that we can ask ourselves if we would like to move out of a pattern or if we would like to take a moment to see if any reprograming is in order.

How to reclaim our inner-importance:

Being willing to recognize our differences. This means being vulnerable with ourselves, opening up and activating humility.

Humility isn't only making sure our head isn't being bigger than it is. It is also not pretending we are the most wounded person in the world. It is found by taking time to reflect and claim the wisdom of our lifetime(s) and trusting the understanding that we have gained. Not by listening to the world's thoughts about us and confusing that for what wisdom we do truly bring. Giving and Receiving the credit that we are due from ourselves (not from outside) that we have been withholding and pushing away is a vulnerable process and when we take time to practice this and reflect on how it feels, we can more clearly see how this dynamic also has played in other ways in our world. There are parts of us longing for our self-love, good job well done acknowledgements, and self-forgiveness... the more we acknowledge that when we recover a piece of us, the more whole we become and the more we remember about our truth. We have been acting almost our whole lives for a lot of us and there is nothing wrong with playing roles. It is only when we forget that we are playing a role, that we have to recover a part of ourselves later versus when we are done playing a part. We can learn a lot by pretending and playing roles, but the problem is when we make a our performance a part of who we are instead of reflecting and integrating what we have learned from it and moving forward without carrying the part with us.

We are 1 human amongst billions. We are cool, but not so cool that if we die so the world does. It is not a bad thing to be real with the fact that the world (whatever you name most important in your life can be used interchangeably with world) moved forward without us before us and will move forward after us without us HOWEVER - the unique flavor that we bring through what we do (and when we be) when we are truly authentic is something that can't be replaced or replicated. If this feels bad, it's ok, it's only because we have counted on the world to tell us who and what we are and why versus finding that out for ourselves.

Inner-child work and shadow work have been the biggest pillars in reclaiming my power back from my past and the people in it and to this day use affiliated tools when it comes to complex-trauma healing and soul integration. There are varying degrees to how this shows up - some find relief in the simple analysis of these discoveries and others might have to do more work bringing the body into safety using somatic practices for a large portion of the beginning of this work until the inner child and body remember that it is safe and capable of being nourished and having needs met from within. It is important to remember that no baby step is too small to change the rest of life and every time we choose to see and do differently that it is worthy of celebration.

In closing, I hope this unofficial article most likely swimming in grammatical errors and showing many examples of ADHD focus will serve in some way and helps you to remember that your life is worth living and the true wisdom that you have gained is worth recovering and sharing. As someone who has been decoding mental and spiritual health for a decade - I know this truth is one of the most easily and commonly forgotten but is also the piece that can make anyone feel ok or someone that is successful but feels unreal, real again. Thanks for reading <3